Well there I was feeling great and positive and then BAM! ..... I was at the school for parents evening when the school secretary came up and congratulated me and asked me when I was due!! now this doesn't seem so bad written down but I was mortified and went bright red - i think because up until 3 years ago I was always slim so am ashamed of the size i am now. To make matters worse when i told my hubby he said "well you have put on a load of weight in a very short time" which made me feel even worse aaaagh!!! think I found his comment more upsetting than the original - I know deep down he thinks I should just go on a diet and sort it out and is finding it hard to come to terms with my bigger size so immediately made me feel like a complete failure.
Am feeling rubbish now and caught in a trap of knowing that diets don't work but worried that this won't work either and in the meantime I will just get bigger and bigger. I am sure after a good nights sleep maybe I won't be so doom and gloom about it!
Tuesday, 16 October 2007
Sunday, 14 October 2007
Dinner party realisation
I went to a dinner party last night and it really brought home the diets don't work bit - the host was on a diet so had a completely different starter to the rest of us - we had delicious toasted goats cheese salad with a delicious dressing pine nuts etc - she had a slice of smoked salmon on some plain lettuce, the main was the same for all and then for pudd she had made treacle sponge with custard for us and she had fruit salad. Another guest lost a couple of stone on WW earlier this year and announced that she was going back on Tuesday to stop the rot as she hadn't put it all back on but it was going back on but she was allowed to have what she wanted as she wasn't starting til Tuesday.
I sat there thinking - thank god that is not me anymore. All those things I used to do, however this time I really enjoyed my food, came away pleasantly full but definitely not stuffed and turned down the cheese as I really had had enough.
So i felt pretty pleased, not had quite such a good day today but am reminding myself of how I felt last night and the knowledge that although I was definitely the biggest there that will not always be the case and they will be going up and down whereas eventually mine will stay stable once I am on top of it all
I am also becoming more accepting of the fact that for me it will be a few steps forward and a few steps back and it may take quite some time, I am quite a lot bigger than even last year but I can feel myself relaxing and i am doing much more of the things so at some stage soon it will start to take effect on my weight - I just know it!!
I sat there thinking - thank god that is not me anymore. All those things I used to do, however this time I really enjoyed my food, came away pleasantly full but definitely not stuffed and turned down the cheese as I really had had enough.
So i felt pretty pleased, not had quite such a good day today but am reminding myself of how I felt last night and the knowledge that although I was definitely the biggest there that will not always be the case and they will be going up and down whereas eventually mine will stay stable once I am on top of it all
I am also becoming more accepting of the fact that for me it will be a few steps forward and a few steps back and it may take quite some time, I am quite a lot bigger than even last year but I can feel myself relaxing and i am doing much more of the things so at some stage soon it will start to take effect on my weight - I just know it!!
Friday, 12 October 2007
Feeling of happiness
Well its a few days since I last posted and I feel I have turned a corner. I got the job - yay - so start 5th November 2.5 days a week 9-5.30 so will have to get organised re the kids/food/dog etc!! but I feel really good about that - it will give me some structure to my week which I feel has really been lacking. Feel like I can see light at the end of the tunnel so am thrilled by that. I will still do the QVC work to get the money and just hope it sort of works out!! However I much prefer having too much to do rather than nothing at all, if I have 500 things to do I get them all done but if I only have one thing to do all day I don't do it!!!
I have been really enjoying my steps and played squash on Wed - still feels punishing but felt slightly quicker - or maybe being optimistic!! Although that is the one downside of the working hubby and I won't be able to do our weekly squash match. Took Monty for a walk/run this morning and really appreciated the countryside and fresh air so that was great. I do feel so much lighter in spirit - long may it continue.
I have been really enjoying my steps and played squash on Wed - still feels punishing but felt slightly quicker - or maybe being optimistic!! Although that is the one downside of the working hubby and I won't be able to do our weekly squash match. Took Monty for a walk/run this morning and really appreciated the countryside and fresh air so that was great. I do feel so much lighter in spirit - long may it continue.
Monday, 8 October 2007
Weekend update
Well I went on the 1 day workshop on Saturday as I had to do one before starting the Chocolate Fairy course next year. I knew it would be just what I needed as I have been struggling for the last few weeks and it certainly was. I came away knowing that I was in the right place and it is the right thing for me to do. It reminded me of things that I have been letting slip - ie tuning in and also showed me that there are some things that I have been doing well. I have set my phone for the last couple of days to remind me hourly to tune in - it is amazing how quickly an hour goes!!
Since coming back I have restocked my cupboards, not that they were particularly getting low but now I have options - I have a box of biscuits, a box of mini mixtures - ie revels, large choc buttons etc and a box of broken up bars of chocolate/green and blacks etc. and i feel quite calm. when I got back from the shop I did have some thorntons chewy choc caramels and probably had more than I needed, nor did I put them on a plate but it didn't turn into a binge even with all that other food so that is quite a step forward - for the last few weeks I have been doing a lot of binging.
I am trying hard not to focus on the weight and it was all going well until somebody asked a friend why it was that I had put on all this weight when I had always previously been slim - so I am not beating myself up and trying to not let it get me down. Luckily I have recently been reinfused at the workshop otherwise I would have felt v bad.
Had a great walk with Monty today - doing really well on the steps, I have been logging them on the website 10,000steps to keep a chart and the lowest number I have done in the last week or so is 11,000 with the highest 21,000 - which was with a game of squash - so am very pleased. Have done 16,000 today and am going round a secondary school with my son so will be about 17,000 by this evening.
Since coming back I have restocked my cupboards, not that they were particularly getting low but now I have options - I have a box of biscuits, a box of mini mixtures - ie revels, large choc buttons etc and a box of broken up bars of chocolate/green and blacks etc. and i feel quite calm. when I got back from the shop I did have some thorntons chewy choc caramels and probably had more than I needed, nor did I put them on a plate but it didn't turn into a binge even with all that other food so that is quite a step forward - for the last few weeks I have been doing a lot of binging.
I am trying hard not to focus on the weight and it was all going well until somebody asked a friend why it was that I had put on all this weight when I had always previously been slim - so I am not beating myself up and trying to not let it get me down. Luckily I have recently been reinfused at the workshop otherwise I would have felt v bad.
Had a great walk with Monty today - doing really well on the steps, I have been logging them on the website 10,000steps to keep a chart and the lowest number I have done in the last week or so is 11,000 with the highest 21,000 - which was with a game of squash - so am very pleased. Have done 16,000 today and am going round a secondary school with my son so will be about 17,000 by this evening.
Thursday, 4 October 2007
Squash and sugar
Well today I played squash and really enjoyed it. I also walked 11,6oo steps on my pedometer so am feeling pretty active. Have done an average of 14,000 steps each day this week so feel very pleased with the activity side of things. However, I have had a nagging headache and sore neck all day since and am thinking that a diet full of sugar is not optimal to then play squash and be very active! Not that I am going to do anything about it but just notice and maybe remind myself of that fact when I am reaching for the chocolate.
I am still not doing very well on the eating but trying to notice, I know I still have rebellious head that if I start saying well you aren't hungry wait until you are, the sod it voice rears its head. At the moment I am going with noticing and presume that quite soon I must get over this and realise that the sugar is always going to be there and as long as I keep stocking up it will eventually be fine.
The other side of this is , as I wrote on the BC forum, I do need to get the weight loss thing out of my head, at the moment with the kind of eating I have been doing I am putting on weight and so my focus keeps going back to losing weight...........and so the cycle continues......... but take each day as it comes - tomorrow I have the second interview for the 2 day a week job which I am really hoping I will get as I think with some structure and focus in my week will take me out of the house and give me something to do. The QVC job I will still do but it won't be my one and only focus and what I don't like about that is that I don't have any control about when or how much I work so I can go weeks without anything and then loads all in two days so I hang around almost waiting for it - eating!!!!
I am still not doing very well on the eating but trying to notice, I know I still have rebellious head that if I start saying well you aren't hungry wait until you are, the sod it voice rears its head. At the moment I am going with noticing and presume that quite soon I must get over this and realise that the sugar is always going to be there and as long as I keep stocking up it will eventually be fine.
The other side of this is , as I wrote on the BC forum, I do need to get the weight loss thing out of my head, at the moment with the kind of eating I have been doing I am putting on weight and so my focus keeps going back to losing weight...........and so the cycle continues......... but take each day as it comes - tomorrow I have the second interview for the 2 day a week job which I am really hoping I will get as I think with some structure and focus in my week will take me out of the house and give me something to do. The QVC job I will still do but it won't be my one and only focus and what I don't like about that is that I don't have any control about when or how much I work so I can go weeks without anything and then loads all in two days so I hang around almost waiting for it - eating!!!!
Wednesday, 3 October 2007
Run/walk
Did a run/walk with Monty this morning - and loved it. I could only really do a minutes running before walking but am going to do it frequently to change it so that there is more running than walking etc. I used to run for 45-50 mins without stopping when I was slim and fit so that it my aim.
During the walk I bumped into someone running in a group who I used to know ages ago and haven't seen. needless to say I felt bad as she is very fit and was running 10 miles that morning and the last time I saw her I was approximately 3 stone lighter so I didn't feel great but the fact that I was doing something felt good. Must now book it into my diary so it happens.
Have booked squash for tomorrow. Doing really well on the exercise front but not so great on the eating front - one thing at a time!!
During the walk I bumped into someone running in a group who I used to know ages ago and haven't seen. needless to say I felt bad as she is very fit and was running 10 miles that morning and the last time I saw her I was approximately 3 stone lighter so I didn't feel great but the fact that I was doing something felt good. Must now book it into my diary so it happens.
Have booked squash for tomorrow. Doing really well on the exercise front but not so great on the eating front - one thing at a time!!
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
Still struggling
Well I am still finding it very hard. I am still for some reason in binge mode, so I keep asking myself why
a) because I am bored, not much work on and so no focus
b) waiting to hear about 2 day job and longer it goes on less I think I will get it - so am frustrated by that
c) in a what the hell kind of mentality at the moment
Things to do
am going to 1 day workshop on saturday and am confident that will give me a boost to get me back on track
am making sure I do at least 11,ooo steps a day - yesterday did 15,000 so that is good
am making sure I don't beat myself up because of the bingeing - more accepting it thinking that for some reason this is what I need at the moment - or is that just an excuse???
I should hear in the next couple of days if I am through to interview no 2 so won't have to wait for much longer for that.
aaagh I suppose I am concerned as I know I am not really trying to do IE but unlike others who say the less they try the better they are, I seem to have regressed seriously since coming back from holiday - can't cope with real life maybe............a life on holiday for me then, if only!! Big concern is that I will just get bigger and bigger and I am not sure I can cope with that.
a) because I am bored, not much work on and so no focus
b) waiting to hear about 2 day job and longer it goes on less I think I will get it - so am frustrated by that
c) in a what the hell kind of mentality at the moment
Things to do
am going to 1 day workshop on saturday and am confident that will give me a boost to get me back on track
am making sure I do at least 11,ooo steps a day - yesterday did 15,000 so that is good
am making sure I don't beat myself up because of the bingeing - more accepting it thinking that for some reason this is what I need at the moment - or is that just an excuse???
I should hear in the next couple of days if I am through to interview no 2 so won't have to wait for much longer for that.
aaagh I suppose I am concerned as I know I am not really trying to do IE but unlike others who say the less they try the better they are, I seem to have regressed seriously since coming back from holiday - can't cope with real life maybe............a life on holiday for me then, if only!! Big concern is that I will just get bigger and bigger and I am not sure I can cope with that.
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