Back again!

Well its about 6 weeks since I came on here and have been up and down in that time. I am still struggling with weight gain and can't seem to see past it. This makes me focus more on my size and its negatives which in turn makes me mindlessly eat!!!!!

On the positive, I have been running quite afew times in the last 2 weeks - I say running but I mean faster than walking!! I have been taking Monty out and have been enjoying it - what I have not enjoyed is the feeling of being so unfit and knowing I used to be so fit and have lost it!! So my focus is now on to get the fit feeling back. I am also booked into a dance class starting in Jan - I used to do it and loved it so am looking foward to that. What I am not looking forward to is seeing a couple of people in the class that I have not seen since I stopped and am now 2-3 sizes bigger but I know I have to be brave and if they talk about it behind my back so be it!!

Here's to more positivitity and a fitter healthier me.

xx

Running

Well I have done it - I set myself the challenge of doing at least 2 runs with Monty this week and I have already done them - it is only Tuesday evening!! Got up both days at 6am and ran/walked for half hour - felt good, even in the rain this morning. So am definitely going to keep it going - not for weightloss just because it felt good, Monty enjoyed going further than just a 20min walk and so I felt less guilty for leaving him whilst I was at work.

Have found that in my new job am really calm and happy re food and also about what I look like/my size - or is it BC and Food philosopy finally coming together. Don't mind what it is but it feels good!!

Update!

Not been on here for a while and thought must come back on as I found it quite helpful.

Have just had a great evening in London met up with some of the girls from my BC weekend back in July. Was great to see them, no explanations needed, plenty of support on offer and we all knew basically what the others were going through. I have to say they all seemed to be doing really well, one of the aims for this week is to focus on where I have made improvements rather than focusing on what I have not done!! Made we want to come back and make sure I only have lovely food around again, and make more of an effort to make yummy meals.

Otherwise, have started the new job last week, which I really enjoyed - I am sure it is going to make a really difference to my mood and how I feel - having a bit more structure in my life. We shall see, will make it hard to fit in as many QVC airings but that is not necessarily all bad. Had to turn down one for 1am on Tuesday which is not a great time to be working anyway!!

So am back on here now, am going to make sure I post regularly again to keep myself on track

Aim for this week - go for two runs with Monty.

The comment

Well there I was feeling great and positive and then BAM! ..... I was at the school for parents evening when the school secretary came up and congratulated me and asked me when I was due!! now this doesn't seem so bad written down but I was mortified and went bright red - i think because up until 3 years ago I was always slim so am ashamed of the size i am now. To make matters worse when i told my hubby he said "well you have put on a load of weight in a very short time" which made me feel even worse aaaagh!!! think I found his comment more upsetting than the original - I know deep down he thinks I should just go on a diet and sort it out and is finding it hard to come to terms with my bigger size so immediately made me feel like a complete failure.

Am feeling rubbish now and caught in a trap of knowing that diets don't work but worried that this won't work either and in the meantime I will just get bigger and bigger. I am sure after a good nights sleep maybe I won't be so doom and gloom about it!

Dinner party realisation

I went to a dinner party last night and it really brought home the diets don't work bit - the host was on a diet so had a completely different starter to the rest of us - we had delicious toasted goats cheese salad with a delicious dressing pine nuts etc - she had a slice of smoked salmon on some plain lettuce, the main was the same for all and then for pudd she had made treacle sponge with custard for us and she had fruit salad. Another guest lost a couple of stone on WW earlier this year and announced that she was going back on Tuesday to stop the rot as she hadn't put it all back on but it was going back on but she was allowed to have what she wanted as she wasn't starting til Tuesday.

I sat there thinking - thank god that is not me anymore. All those things I used to do, however this time I really enjoyed my food, came away pleasantly full but definitely not stuffed and turned down the cheese as I really had had enough.

So i felt pretty pleased, not had quite such a good day today but am reminding myself of how I felt last night and the knowledge that although I was definitely the biggest there that will not always be the case and they will be going up and down whereas eventually mine will stay stable once I am on top of it all

I am also becoming more accepting of the fact that for me it will be a few steps forward and a few steps back and it may take quite some time, I am quite a lot bigger than even last year but I can feel myself relaxing and i am doing much more of the things so at some stage soon it will start to take effect on my weight - I just know it!!

Feeling of happiness

Well its a few days since I last posted and I feel I have turned a corner. I got the job - yay - so start 5th November 2.5 days a week 9-5.30 so will have to get organised re the kids/food/dog etc!! but I feel really good about that - it will give me some structure to my week which I feel has really been lacking. Feel like I can see light at the end of the tunnel so am thrilled by that. I will still do the QVC work to get the money and just hope it sort of works out!! However I much prefer having too much to do rather than nothing at all, if I have 500 things to do I get them all done but if I only have one thing to do all day I don't do it!!!

I have been really enjoying my steps and played squash on Wed - still feels punishing but felt slightly quicker - or maybe being optimistic!! Although that is the one downside of the working hubby and I won't be able to do our weekly squash match. Took Monty for a walk/run this morning and really appreciated the countryside and fresh air so that was great. I do feel so much lighter in spirit - long may it continue.

Weekend update

Well I went on the 1 day workshop on Saturday as I had to do one before starting the Chocolate Fairy course next year. I knew it would be just what I needed as I have been struggling for the last few weeks and it certainly was. I came away knowing that I was in the right place and it is the right thing for me to do. It reminded me of things that I have been letting slip - ie tuning in and also showed me that there are some things that I have been doing well. I have set my phone for the last couple of days to remind me hourly to tune in - it is amazing how quickly an hour goes!!

Since coming back I have restocked my cupboards, not that they were particularly getting low but now I have options - I have a box of biscuits, a box of mini mixtures - ie revels, large choc buttons etc and a box of broken up bars of chocolate/green and blacks etc. and i feel quite calm. when I got back from the shop I did have some thorntons chewy choc caramels and probably had more than I needed, nor did I put them on a plate but it didn't turn into a binge even with all that other food so that is quite a step forward - for the last few weeks I have been doing a lot of binging.

I am trying hard not to focus on the weight and it was all going well until somebody asked a friend why it was that I had put on all this weight when I had always previously been slim - so I am not beating myself up and trying to not let it get me down. Luckily I have recently been reinfused at the workshop otherwise I would have felt v bad.

Had a great walk with Monty today - doing really well on the steps, I have been logging them on the website 10,000steps to keep a chart and the lowest number I have done in the last week or so is 11,000 with the highest 21,000 - which was with a game of squash - so am very pleased. Have done 16,000 today and am going round a secondary school with my son so will be about 17,000 by this evening.

Squash and sugar

Well today I played squash and really enjoyed it. I also walked 11,6oo steps on my pedometer so am feeling pretty active. Have done an average of 14,000 steps each day this week so feel very pleased with the activity side of things. However, I have had a nagging headache and sore neck all day since and am thinking that a diet full of sugar is not optimal to then play squash and be very active! Not that I am going to do anything about it but just notice and maybe remind myself of that fact when I am reaching for the chocolate.

I am still not doing very well on the eating but trying to notice, I know I still have rebellious head that if I start saying well you aren't hungry wait until you are, the sod it voice rears its head. At the moment I am going with noticing and presume that quite soon I must get over this and realise that the sugar is always going to be there and as long as I keep stocking up it will eventually be fine.

The other side of this is , as I wrote on the BC forum, I do need to get the weight loss thing out of my head, at the moment with the kind of eating I have been doing I am putting on weight and so my focus keeps going back to losing weight...........and so the cycle continues......... but take each day as it comes - tomorrow I have the second interview for the 2 day a week job which I am really hoping I will get as I think with some structure and focus in my week will take me out of the house and give me something to do. The QVC job I will still do but it won't be my one and only focus and what I don't like about that is that I don't have any control about when or how much I work so I can go weeks without anything and then loads all in two days so I hang around almost waiting for it - eating!!!!

Run/walk

Did a run/walk with Monty this morning - and loved it. I could only really do a minutes running before walking but am going to do it frequently to change it so that there is more running than walking etc. I used to run for 45-50 mins without stopping when I was slim and fit so that it my aim.

During the walk I bumped into someone running in a group who I used to know ages ago and haven't seen. needless to say I felt bad as she is very fit and was running 10 miles that morning and the last time I saw her I was approximately 3 stone lighter so I didn't feel great but the fact that I was doing something felt good. Must now book it into my diary so it happens.

Have booked squash for tomorrow. Doing really well on the exercise front but not so great on the eating front - one thing at a time!!

Still struggling

Well I am still finding it very hard. I am still for some reason in binge mode, so I keep asking myself why

a) because I am bored, not much work on and so no focus
b) waiting to hear about 2 day job and longer it goes on less I think I will get it - so am frustrated by that
c) in a what the hell kind of mentality at the moment

Things to do
am going to 1 day workshop on saturday and am confident that will give me a boost to get me back on track
am making sure I do at least 11,ooo steps a day - yesterday did 15,000 so that is good
am making sure I don't beat myself up because of the bingeing - more accepting it thinking that for some reason this is what I need at the moment - or is that just an excuse???
I should hear in the next couple of days if I am through to interview no 2 so won't have to wait for much longer for that.

aaagh I suppose I am concerned as I know I am not really trying to do IE but unlike others who say the less they try the better they are, I seem to have regressed seriously since coming back from holiday - can't cope with real life maybe............a life on holiday for me then, if only!! Big concern is that I will just get bigger and bigger and I am not sure I can cope with that.

Exercise plan

I have been finding it hard to get back into doing exercise - when I was slim I used to run alot and do loads of exercise but since I have put weight I have been much more stop/start and finding it hard to get committed about it - running hurt my knees etc etc and there would always be some reason to stop after a few days. When we were on holiday over the summer we did so much exercise - going to the gym, squash, swimming, badminton that I really wanted to carry it on when we got back. Taken a few weeks but once a week my hubby and I have been playing squash - hard on me as he is very fit, slim and quick so I come out looking seriously ill! Also have just logged on to the 10000 club with the aim of wearing a pedometer every day and doing at least 11,000 steps per day. Feels easier to achieve at the moment than doing a dedicated exercise. The aim to do this for a few months then slowly start to reintroduce a few runs as well!!! Keep watching. did 12,000 today - an hours walk across the forest and another half hour walk this evening with Monty - great to have him to accompany me.

Have just booked to go on the one day Beyond Choc course in October as I have to do a 1 day workshop before starting my course in April. Am looking forward to it as I always come away feeling re-energised and with self belief that I can do this!!

Still happy!

Well still feeling over the moon over choc fairy acceptance - I feel so calm as I know I will carry on with this as have committed to the course and working through all those blips! Have had a manic two days of work but was much easier to keep it all in perspective as there is something else on the horizon. Had a great walk with Monty this morning - the kind of day I love, really crisp sunny day with plenty of wind to clear the mind! Feeling that all is well with the world!!!

Tuesday happy day!

Well like Mousie I emailed Sophie as I couldn't bear waiting any more - and got good news!!! Have only just seen the email so it is still sinking in - I am so pleased and can't wait to get going. Can't believe the immediate change in outlook, gives me hope that however long my journey I will get there...... Big hugs to all!!

Monday blues

Well feeling a bit mixed today - still not heard about the chocolate fairy - just wish i knew either way! didn't have a great day yesterday, was eating mindlessly and fairly endlessly! Firstly because work was v stressy and so it was almost a come down from that and secondly I am in no mans land not sure about either choc fairy or the other job I applied for so I was fighting against negative talk that i wouldn't get either and it would be the same old same old so I reacted in the same old way - FOOD! Still trying to keep positive that at least I am noticing why....! Also am panicking about my size, as I have said before always been a 12 and now probably am pushing an 18 and am panicking about how big I will get, which in turn makes me eat too much and so the vicious circle continues......... however, I must continue and if I can make an effort to be nicer to myself and belief I can do it and really let myself go with it, it will work!!

Well day 2 in the world of blogging. Am off to work in an hour so not much to say. Am bit nervous/not looking forward to work as am demonstrating 3 products all on a last chance so its down to me to make them sell or they will be dropped - so I feel under a bit of pressure!! As a consequence ate too much lunch just to put off packing my stuff and getting on with it. Nevermind, it will be over soon, at least I am noticing this and knowing why. Will report on here how they go, and probably it won't be nearly as bad as I think it is going to be. fingers crossed!



Also didn't hear back about the chocolate fairy positions so now have to wait until Monday to know whether I am in or not.......aaagh!

Tx

Starting up

Well here I am starting my first blog - not sure if I am doing it right or how to customise etc but we shall see how we get on. I am feeling quite good today, am doing something about changing the things that are not right with me and making me feel/behave out of control with food. ie I have had an interview to be a chocolate fairy - fingers crossed will hear tomorrow along with Mousie - and had an interview for a job 2 days a week locally which I am really interested in. At the moment I am a guest presenter on QVC which is great but highly stressful and it is since doing this job that my weight has gone up - only just really acknowledged that that is what it is. I have always been a size 12 until started working at QVC 3.5 years ago so am trying to address this and make some changes - the article in the newsletter really hit a chord with me as it is so true with me that I need to sort out those problems and not worry so much about the eating as if I am happy with my life then the food/weight will sort itself out. Anyway enough rambling for day 1 - lets see if it works!!
Tx