Back again!

Well its about 6 weeks since I came on here and have been up and down in that time. I am still struggling with weight gain and can't seem to see past it. This makes me focus more on my size and its negatives which in turn makes me mindlessly eat!!!!!

On the positive, I have been running quite afew times in the last 2 weeks - I say running but I mean faster than walking!! I have been taking Monty out and have been enjoying it - what I have not enjoyed is the feeling of being so unfit and knowing I used to be so fit and have lost it!! So my focus is now on to get the fit feeling back. I am also booked into a dance class starting in Jan - I used to do it and loved it so am looking foward to that. What I am not looking forward to is seeing a couple of people in the class that I have not seen since I stopped and am now 2-3 sizes bigger but I know I have to be brave and if they talk about it behind my back so be it!!

Here's to more positivitity and a fitter healthier me.

xx

Running

Well I have done it - I set myself the challenge of doing at least 2 runs with Monty this week and I have already done them - it is only Tuesday evening!! Got up both days at 6am and ran/walked for half hour - felt good, even in the rain this morning. So am definitely going to keep it going - not for weightloss just because it felt good, Monty enjoyed going further than just a 20min walk and so I felt less guilty for leaving him whilst I was at work.

Have found that in my new job am really calm and happy re food and also about what I look like/my size - or is it BC and Food philosopy finally coming together. Don't mind what it is but it feels good!!

Update!

Not been on here for a while and thought must come back on as I found it quite helpful.

Have just had a great evening in London met up with some of the girls from my BC weekend back in July. Was great to see them, no explanations needed, plenty of support on offer and we all knew basically what the others were going through. I have to say they all seemed to be doing really well, one of the aims for this week is to focus on where I have made improvements rather than focusing on what I have not done!! Made we want to come back and make sure I only have lovely food around again, and make more of an effort to make yummy meals.

Otherwise, have started the new job last week, which I really enjoyed - I am sure it is going to make a really difference to my mood and how I feel - having a bit more structure in my life. We shall see, will make it hard to fit in as many QVC airings but that is not necessarily all bad. Had to turn down one for 1am on Tuesday which is not a great time to be working anyway!!

So am back on here now, am going to make sure I post regularly again to keep myself on track

Aim for this week - go for two runs with Monty.

The comment

Well there I was feeling great and positive and then BAM! ..... I was at the school for parents evening when the school secretary came up and congratulated me and asked me when I was due!! now this doesn't seem so bad written down but I was mortified and went bright red - i think because up until 3 years ago I was always slim so am ashamed of the size i am now. To make matters worse when i told my hubby he said "well you have put on a load of weight in a very short time" which made me feel even worse aaaagh!!! think I found his comment more upsetting than the original - I know deep down he thinks I should just go on a diet and sort it out and is finding it hard to come to terms with my bigger size so immediately made me feel like a complete failure.

Am feeling rubbish now and caught in a trap of knowing that diets don't work but worried that this won't work either and in the meantime I will just get bigger and bigger. I am sure after a good nights sleep maybe I won't be so doom and gloom about it!

Dinner party realisation

I went to a dinner party last night and it really brought home the diets don't work bit - the host was on a diet so had a completely different starter to the rest of us - we had delicious toasted goats cheese salad with a delicious dressing pine nuts etc - she had a slice of smoked salmon on some plain lettuce, the main was the same for all and then for pudd she had made treacle sponge with custard for us and she had fruit salad. Another guest lost a couple of stone on WW earlier this year and announced that she was going back on Tuesday to stop the rot as she hadn't put it all back on but it was going back on but she was allowed to have what she wanted as she wasn't starting til Tuesday.

I sat there thinking - thank god that is not me anymore. All those things I used to do, however this time I really enjoyed my food, came away pleasantly full but definitely not stuffed and turned down the cheese as I really had had enough.

So i felt pretty pleased, not had quite such a good day today but am reminding myself of how I felt last night and the knowledge that although I was definitely the biggest there that will not always be the case and they will be going up and down whereas eventually mine will stay stable once I am on top of it all

I am also becoming more accepting of the fact that for me it will be a few steps forward and a few steps back and it may take quite some time, I am quite a lot bigger than even last year but I can feel myself relaxing and i am doing much more of the things so at some stage soon it will start to take effect on my weight - I just know it!!

Feeling of happiness

Well its a few days since I last posted and I feel I have turned a corner. I got the job - yay - so start 5th November 2.5 days a week 9-5.30 so will have to get organised re the kids/food/dog etc!! but I feel really good about that - it will give me some structure to my week which I feel has really been lacking. Feel like I can see light at the end of the tunnel so am thrilled by that. I will still do the QVC work to get the money and just hope it sort of works out!! However I much prefer having too much to do rather than nothing at all, if I have 500 things to do I get them all done but if I only have one thing to do all day I don't do it!!!

I have been really enjoying my steps and played squash on Wed - still feels punishing but felt slightly quicker - or maybe being optimistic!! Although that is the one downside of the working hubby and I won't be able to do our weekly squash match. Took Monty for a walk/run this morning and really appreciated the countryside and fresh air so that was great. I do feel so much lighter in spirit - long may it continue.

Weekend update

Well I went on the 1 day workshop on Saturday as I had to do one before starting the Chocolate Fairy course next year. I knew it would be just what I needed as I have been struggling for the last few weeks and it certainly was. I came away knowing that I was in the right place and it is the right thing for me to do. It reminded me of things that I have been letting slip - ie tuning in and also showed me that there are some things that I have been doing well. I have set my phone for the last couple of days to remind me hourly to tune in - it is amazing how quickly an hour goes!!

Since coming back I have restocked my cupboards, not that they were particularly getting low but now I have options - I have a box of biscuits, a box of mini mixtures - ie revels, large choc buttons etc and a box of broken up bars of chocolate/green and blacks etc. and i feel quite calm. when I got back from the shop I did have some thorntons chewy choc caramels and probably had more than I needed, nor did I put them on a plate but it didn't turn into a binge even with all that other food so that is quite a step forward - for the last few weeks I have been doing a lot of binging.

I am trying hard not to focus on the weight and it was all going well until somebody asked a friend why it was that I had put on all this weight when I had always previously been slim - so I am not beating myself up and trying to not let it get me down. Luckily I have recently been reinfused at the workshop otherwise I would have felt v bad.

Had a great walk with Monty today - doing really well on the steps, I have been logging them on the website 10,000steps to keep a chart and the lowest number I have done in the last week or so is 11,000 with the highest 21,000 - which was with a game of squash - so am very pleased. Have done 16,000 today and am going round a secondary school with my son so will be about 17,000 by this evening.